Inspiration to Change

Today I read a wonderful blog entry that made me rethink some things in my life. It was a beautiful post by a woman who I admire a great deal, even though we've never met. Her blog often inspires me when it comes to my role as mom and wife. Today's post was a humbling one, and one that I found rather unexpected from her. There are several moms in the blogosphere whom I consider somewhat heroes in the examples they set. They're devotion to their children, their husbands and God Himself are so clear as I read their blogs. Melissa is definitely one of those people. So it surprised me when I read her post about life and how she needed a readjustment on how she looks at things. And as I read her words, I felt encouraged to change, since a reflection on my own life certainly does not show the woman I would like to be. When I look at myself, I see a woman who often sees things in a negative light, instead of focusing on the positive. I see a wife, who often does not offer the understanding and support her husband needs. I see a mother who loves her children, but doesn't show them the patience and affection they so deserve. Obviously, this is a woman who is ready for a change.

It's not that my situation is bad. Hardly! I have a wonderful, devoted husband who loves me and works hard each and every day to provide for his family. I have three amazing children, who are beautiful inside and out. I have a home and lovely things and truly lack nothing. But it's my perspective that needs changing. It's how I view my situation, and how I respond to it.

I wrote a comment to Melissa's blog, letting her know how her words affected me and how I planned to take on a similar view of my life and the daily moments I have with my children. To enjoy the moments with them and not spend this special time God has given me constantly upset and irritated by the day-to-day frustrations, whether a result of stress from misbehaving children, especially one who tests me almost constantly, endless chores that need to be done or just some other miscellaneous mountain I am trying to climb. I sat at my computer feeling empowered and ready to take on my day. But sadly, I am now sitting at my computer, hiding from everything and everyone, to find my own moment of peace. I have not lived out what I set out to do at the start of my day, having read Melissa's insightful post. I have been snappish and irritable and incapable of dealing with the various trials I've been faced with. I am at a loss. How do I change? How do I make myself into the patient, respected and loved mother that I long to be? I'm so afraid of distancing myself from my children. How can I hope to teach them and guide them, especially in this crucial time of their lives? And how do I adjust my attitude to focus on enjoying the time with my children instead of making it miserable?

These are questions I plan to research until I have found the right answers. The answers must be out there. Somewhere. I know prayer will help, as God is most certainly the answer to everything. But no matter how hard I've tried, I have not been able to commit to a regular prayer life. I was getting up early for a couple of weeks, trying to spend some time in prayer and in God's Word. But it was difficult as each day I became more and more tired and found it harder and harder to cope throughout the day. I know that over time, it will get easier. I'll have more time to strengthen my prayer life. And that will be great. But it won't help me right now. I need to make the change in my life that will bring me closer to my children and my husband - and to God.

I hope this doesn't leave an impression on readers that I am unhappy in my life. That is far from the truth. I love my life, especially my children. But at the same time, these special little people who are so dependent upon me each and every day take a lot out of me. And as a result, I don't always respond well to those all too frequent difficult moments with said children. But I am happy. I'm just not as happy as I think I ought to be, and am definitely not as appreciative as I should be. Afterall, I have been graced with so many blessings in my life.

I am sure there are some very kind people out there who would say I am being too hard on myself. And maybe there's just a little truth to that. But I think it's necessary to be hard on ourselves in order for real change to happen. Even to slightly embarrass ourselves by openly discussing it on our blog. I can honestly say that today was a failure in my attempt to be happier in life and truly appreciate the blessings I have been given. But I think with a little more inspiration from other wonderful mothers out there, continual effort on my part, and yes, prayer anytime I can fit it in, I'll get there yet!